Pregnancy after miscarriage is a strange thing.

Am I excited? Without question. Do I worry every day about the health of my baby, probably an unhealthy amount? Also yes.

Every change of my body, every feeling in my abdomen, every new sensation scares me. I know I’ve probably been driving my OBGYN crazy with all the questions I’ve asked about literally everything. I also can’t even count the number of hours I’ve spent on the internet researching in order to calm any concerns I have. I have become hyperaware of everything. Every day is a struggle with anxiety.

This is largely because I don’t know what a healthy pregnancy feels like.

I miscarried my first child at 8 weeks, so there was barely enough time for any pregnancy symptoms to set in. I’m now at about the 20 week mark with my second pregnancy and have experienced things that never happened with the first. This has both soothed me and frightened me, since I don’t really know what any of the things I’m feeling or noticing mean.

I will say, nothing causes you to pray quite like the feelings of fear I’ve been experiencing since late June when we found out about the pregnancy. Every day, multiple times a day, I pray for the health of my child. It is constantly on my mind and is a constant request that I sent to God with almost every breath. The prayer has been the only thing really giving me any peace. No matter how many questions my OBGYN can answer or how many articles I read on the internet, all I really have is prayer.

While I know my trust in God is imperfect, I know I have been brought closer to Him. Even if it was simply out of fear or necessity, this closer relationship has been what I needed.

I want to say one more thing about this pregnancy. I still regularly think about my first baby that died before we could even know her. And I often wish that when February roles around and this new baby is born that we could have two children with us, instead of one in heaven. But I realized something bittersweet a couple week ago.

Based on when the due date for my first child was and when I got pregnant the second time, we couldn’t have had them both. I got pregnant with my second child during what would have been the pregnancy for the first, had I not miscarried. So I could not have known the child currently in my womb, if I hadn’t miscarried my first baby. Does it make loosing a baby any easier or somehow alright? Not in the slightest. But it does make this child a very special gift.

We also found out that we were pregnant with this child, very close to what would have been the due date of our first. I was in the midst of a particularly bad bout of depression over the miscarriage at the time and it was an unexpected light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s bittersweet, but you have to hold onto any sweetness you can, since sometimes there’s no getting rid of the bitter part.

All in all, I am probably still going to spend my pregnancy deep in worry until much closer to my baby’s due date. But I am also going to try and treasure every moment both before and after the baby is born, since every one of them is a gift.